Downtown San Francisco (AP) - A homeless man who goes by the handle "Nimbly", 42, ate a thrown out slice of pepperoni and sausage pizza last night, one witness says.
"Yeah, I dunno. I wasn't really diggin' the pizza. Tasted kinda like balogna wiped with sweat or somethin'. I threw it in the trash after a bite, and some homeless dude ran over to get it. I walked away."
The slice of pizza was cooked around 12PM that day and according to our sources it was purchased around 7:30PM. The whereabouts of that slice during those seven and a half hours are unknown, but some suspect it may have been under the heat lamps in the front display.
"How da f*** I sposta remember that s***?" said Darnell "EARZ" Robinson, an employee at the pizza establishment (Editor's Note: The name of the restaurant has been witheld for legal purposes). "I was blazed. I cook that s*** up, I ain't givin' a f*** bout nothin' else."
Nimbly was said to have eaten the slice of pizza in about 30 seconds, after which he vomited onto the hood of a 1996 Honda Accord parked on the street. The vomit was said to have contained the faulty pepperoni and sausage, along with long strands of hair and corn. Many gasps could be heard and looks of disgust were exchanged between tourists, while most locals were too busy not caring.
"I never been so hungry. I never eat no pizza that fast. I never had such s*** pizza in my life. I never vomited so bad. Well, actually I vomit that bad all the time," said Nimbly, who's spent 25 years living in the streets of San Francisco. "I never leave this area. It's my home, this block. When I sees people throw pizza I knows to jump on that s***. I can't be dependin' on change alone. Most people don't give any anyways."
Nimbly stated that he will continue to eat thrown out pizza despite the unfortunate turn of events. "I love pizza, s***'s good."
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